Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post (12/8 Edition)

Recession Specials For "Special" People and More!

Friends, countrymen, patriots, traitors, and lima beans, it’s another edition of Today’s News!  Contained within is important information about science, health, culture, weddings, and more…

As always, past editions are archived here and the present edition is available to all below the jump (Now with new 10pm addendum)!

Scientists Make HUGE Discovery On Mars – No, despite the implication of this headline, this story is not an elaborate set-up for a penis joke.  In fact, for members of the scientific/nerd community it is reporting some important and exciting news (I think).

For members of the non-scientific community, however, this story is mostly reporting on the fact that the science community should spend a little more time with real people so they can learn about how normal human specimens talk.  Aside from the (presumably) exciting news, the most notable thing about this article is the repeated and often inappropriate use of the term “slam-dunk” as in “rover finds slam-dunk evidence” and “this tells a slam-dunk story…” (both actual examples).

Issue 1: There is no such thing as a “slam-dunk story.”  There is a “great” story.  There is even such a thing as an “informative” story.  Your story cannot be “slam-dunk.”

Issue 2: Is there not a more scientific equivalent of the term “slam-dunk” that can be applied here?  I don’t like to mix my basketball and rocket science.

10 Celebrities You’d Never Know Are Latino – When I saw this headline, I immediately assumed that this list was essential to my understanding of American pop culture.  That my mind would be blown.

MEXICAN

Turns out that knowing Louis C.K. is half Mexican has been sort of a wash for me since noon, when I first read about this. Furthermore, my understanding of the character Rory Gilmore has not been impacted by the knowledge that Alexis Bledel, who is sort of a non-entity as an actual non-character person, learned Spanish before English.

What has increased, however, is my knowledge of the number of people who are (questionably) famous for no real reason. (Odette Yustman?  Vanessa Marcil?  Who are these people?  All I know: THEY ARE LATINAS.)

Sophistication In Action

WATCH: Couple Says ‘I Do’ At Local Starbucks - You have to be careful when your un-clever friends marry.  They often get convinced of their own  comedic genius by coming up with ideas like, “Oh, my fiance and I once went to a laundromat together.  We should totally get married there!”  Ideas that no sane friend/animal/or inanimate object in the victinity should nod agreeably in response to.

Should you find yourself in this situation as a friend/thing, your charge is simple.  Tell the person their idea was a good exercise in brain-use and move on to real suggestions like getting married in a garden or at city hall or just somewhere not ridiculous.

The video beyond this link is really a cautionary tale.  This “Starbucks” couple and those depicted in the pictures below obviously lack friends, pets, AND inanimate objects.  So while I question this being front page news, I understand HuffPo’s need to warn others about the powers of unchecked idiocy.  They really do have their eye on the safety of the general public.

Are Non-Stick Pans Safe? Why do people insist on asking questions like this?  Nobody wants these answers.

I already own non-stick pans, so this article will either give me the go-ahead to continue life as usual and will have been a waste of time to read OR it will launch me into a spiral of worry and depression as  I learn that I  am giving myself cancer by cooking but continue to be too cheap to replace my kitchenware.  I don’t like those odds.

10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Date Anyone -  1. Should I be reading this article on Huffington Post?  Is there nothing better I could be doing to prepare for my life as a dating person?

If you answered this in the affirmative, you should not date anyone.  This one question test is (c) Lila, professional genius thinker.

WATCH: Student Freaks Out In The Library During Finals Week - Awesome.  ‘Nuff said.

***10pm ADDENDUM***:

Staggering Number Of Women Are Pregnant And Don’t Know It- This treasure JUST arrived on the Huffington Post main page in the serious news column and I absolutely had to share in the name of common decency and all that is holy.

According to this article, 1 in 2500 women who are pregnant do not know it and:

“…have no symptoms — no weight gain, no nausea, and little to no abdominal swelling. They may still have their periods, or have always had irregular periods. If they have symptoms, they’re so subtle as to be easily mistaken for something else. Indigestion, perhaps.”

THIS IS HAPPENING?

I did hear a story about a third degree friend having an unexpected baby and assumed, like a sane person, that the tale had been grossly exaggerated by the time it got to me.  That knowledge did not stop me from passing it along with further embellishment, but WHAT IT THE STORY I HEARD WAS TRUE??  Can you have any medical condition without symptoms?  And how are you to tell the difference between a baby and a giant life-sucking tumor?  HYPOCHONDRIA ALERT!  Disaster.  Blech!

-Lila Lou

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