Every morning I read two news websites: The New York Times (paid news) Huffington Post (free news). A few months ago, when the Times started charging $15/month for a subscription, I had a near meltdown and attempted to boycott them. This effort was a massive failure, mostly because, while Huffington Post does offer some enticing yellow journalism-style sensationalist political headlines, it also offers and endless variety of tempting non-news headlines, the later being what I end up actually clicking on. During the brief time that I was boycotting the Times, I was a fountain of information on cute pet videos and little else. My failure at carrying out the boycott for longer was really, as you can see, a win for America.
Today I began my day like any other, perusing both sites for headlines worthy of my attention, and I found myself slowly scrolling down the Huffington Post page, past the respectable news and on to the interesting stuff. I felt dirty afterwords and in order to right my trash-reading wrongs, I felt the need provide a public service of some sort to prevent others from having to do the same. Hence, I have decided to summarize what I found on the Huffington Post main news page today. It is problematic that any of these were even clickable options. Still, it says something awfully embarrassing about me that I choose read them.
Without further adieu, here is Today’s News(!!), for your reading pleasure:
Joe The Plumber To Make Big Announcement Today – Is any announcement made by Joe the Plumber really “big?” Is there any way in which it might pertain to me? Answer: No. Did I immediately click on the headline? Answer: Yes.
Rangers Pitcher Does Hilarious Impressions During World Series – Not as hilarious as I was led to expect.
The Bedroom Secret That Drives Couples Apart – My expectation: Something along the lines of “troll underwear source of contention in 50% of married households.” Actual “secret:” Sexual dysfunction. (Which, to be clear, is not tearing couples apart left and right. According to the article, it is only tearing a few couples apart.)
WATCH: What Happens When Your Car Hits 1 Million Miles? – This was an advertisement for Honda, not an informative news piece. Your car will not hit 1 million miles so it doesn’t pertain to you. Other cars that haven’t hit 1 million miles: the car the video is about.
Woman Surprised By Strange Note In Luggage – Moral of story: don’t pack kinky shit in your checked baggage.
WATCH: The Cat Wants In… NOW – This is evidently the most popular cat video of the moment. It features a cat doing something cute. You’ve seen it before. Move along.
How To Spot Psychopaths Through Their Speech Patterns – This initially seemed like it might contain life-saving advice about how to spot and steer clear of a crazy person. However, unless you are questioning said psychopath about their crimes, this piece offers few useful insights. There is one important sentence in the article, which I will reprint for you here: “Recently, a small study showed that bosses are four times more likely to be psychopaths than the general population.” You’re welcome.
6 Secrets To Staying Married Forever – These are intuitive.
The Most Economically Diverse Colleges – I cannot resist an article ranking colleges. I have been out of college for over 5 years at this point, making my interest in this subject totally absurd. With that said, there is nothing more enjoyable than seeing your alma mater in a top ten list, even if the list is, “stupid places I’d never go.” (On a side not, I should have probably put my alma mater on that list before I applied. Oh, regrets.)
PHOTOS: Beyonce Gets Silly – Beyonce can make faces. Now you know.
SAT Officials To Testify At NY Cheating Ring Hearing – Like colleges, news about standardized tests is always exciting. I will never take the SATs again, and neither will you so lets not even bother summarizing.
WATCH: Home Dances To ‘Party Rock Anthem’ – This is awesome/no comment.