Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post

 Every morning I read two news websites: The New York Times (paid news)  Huffington Post (free news).  A few months ago, when the Times started charging $15/month for a subscription, I had a near meltdown and attempted to boycott them.  This effort was a massive failure, mostly because, while Huffington Post does offer some enticing yellow journalism-style sensationalist political headlines, it also offers and endless variety of tempting non-news headlines, the later being what I end up actually clicking on.  During the brief time that I was boycotting the Times, I was a fountain of information on cute pet videos and little else.  My failure at carrying out the boycott for longer was really, as you can see, a win for America.

Today I began my day like any other, perusing both sites for headlines worthy of my attention, and I found myself slowly scrolling down the Huffington Post page, past the respectable news and on to the interesting stuff.  I felt dirty afterwords and in order to right my trash-reading wrongs, I felt the need provide a public service of some sort to prevent others from having to do the same.  Hence, I have decided to summarize what I found on the Huffington Post main news page today.  It is problematic that any of these were even clickable options.  Still, it says something awfully embarrassing about me that I choose read them.

Without further adieu, here is Today’s News(!!), for your reading pleasure:

Joe The Plumber To Make Big Announcement Today – Is any announcement made by Joe the Plumber really “big?”  Is there any way in which it might pertain to me?  Answer: No.  Did I immediately click on the headline?  Answer: Yes.

Rangers Pitcher Does Hilarious Impressions During World Series – Not as hilarious as I was led to expect.

The Bedroom Secret That Drives Couples Apart – My expectation: Something along the lines of “troll underwear source of contention in 50% of married households.”  Actual “secret:” Sexual dysfunction.  (Which, to be clear, is not tearing couples apart left and right.  According to the article, it is only tearing a few couples apart.)

WATCH: What Happens When Your Car Hits 1 Million Miles? – This was an advertisement for Honda, not an informative news piece.  Your car will not hit 1 million miles so it doesn’t pertain to you.  Other cars that haven’t hit 1 million miles: the car the video is about.

Woman Surprised By Strange Note In Luggage – Moral of story: don’t pack kinky shit in your checked baggage.

WATCH: The Cat Wants In… NOW – This is evidently the most popular cat video of the moment.  It features a cat doing something cute.  You’ve seen it before.  Move along.

How To Spot Psychopaths Through Their Speech Patterns – This initially seemed like it might contain life-saving advice about how to spot and steer clear of a crazy person.  However, unless you are questioning said psychopath about their crimes, this piece offers few useful insights.  There is one important sentence in the article, which I will reprint for you here: “Recently, a small study showed that bosses are four times more likely to be psychopaths than the general population.”  You’re welcome.

6 Secrets To Staying Married Forever – These are intuitive.

The Most Economically Diverse Colleges – I cannot resist an article ranking colleges.  I have been out of college for over 5 years at this point, making my interest in this subject totally absurd.  With that said, there is nothing more enjoyable than seeing your alma mater in a top ten list, even if the list is, “stupid places I’d never go.”  (On a side not, I should have probably put my alma mater on that list before I applied.  Oh, regrets.)

PHOTOS: Beyonce Gets Silly – Beyonce can make faces.  Now you know.

SAT Officials To Testify At NY Cheating Ring Hearing – Like colleges, news about standardized tests is always exciting.  I will never take the SATs again, and neither will you so lets not even bother summarizing.

WATCH: Home Dances To ‘Party Rock Anthem’ – This is awesome/no comment.



2 responses to “Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post

  1. Pingback: Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post | Driving While Genius

  2. Pingback: Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post (11/15 edition) | Driving While Genius

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