Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post

Last week I explained some of my less-than-savory news reading habits when it comes to Huffington Post.  Today I bring you five new headlines, all taken from this morning’s Huffington Post front page (where the big news is supposed to be) and all as equally as important to your understanding of the world as the long article about Greece’s debt referendum that I know you read this morning.  Enjoy!

(c) Queen's University

Face In Tumour [sic]:  Testicular Growth Shocks Doctors After Ultrasound – Yes, you’ve seen faces on toast, clouds, marble countertops, pizza, and now you’ve seen a face on a testicular tumor.  Unfortunately for this patient, the tumor did not feature Jesus’s mug.  Instead it seems to be the face of a clown-like angry man who might be screaming.

Everything is okay though!  There is still the potential that this tumorface is a divine proclamation.  Or there WAS that potential until the science community got involved:

“A brief debate ensued on whether the image could have been a sign from a deity (perhaps ‘Min’ the Egyptian god of male virility); however, the consensus deemed it a mere coincidental occurrence rather than a divine proclamation.” 

Stupid doctors don’t know anything about divinity anyway because they believe in evolution.  On a related note, one of the squares on my parent’s speckled tile bathroom floor looks like it has a silhouette of Mickey Mouse’s head.  Eerie, right?  Me and the tumorface guy have soooo much in common.

Also, it’s nice that Huffington Post is keeping it classy by using the British spelling of tumor.  That’s how I knew this story would be real news and not ridiculous fluff….oh, wait…

Barry Deley: Global BC Sports Anchor Wins $2-Million Lottery On Air (VIDEO) – This is heartwarming and wonderful and fuzzy and cuddly and all of that.  It is also an 8 minute video.  We see a long, slow, and very VERY inexpertly drawn lottery result clip, we go back to the anchors (who are staring confusedly at each other), we get a sports anchor/lottery winner on the phone while he’s grocery shopping, we go to break, we catch up with the sports anchor again, we have several minutes of awkward conversation about the results, etc.  Canadian accents abound and the entire thing takes place at a pace I think only Canadians could be comfortable with since, lacking warm weather and other people, they have the time to spend 8 minutes of their newscast in slow awkward conversation about something totally not newsworthy.

I, however, could not keep up the charade nearly that long.  Within two minutes I realized that I did not care about this lottery at all.  Add to that the fact that nobody in the video seems to know what their sports anchor/winner has won and that Huffington Post wrote the headline without indicating that what he actually won was a $2 million HOUSE, not cash, and you have a full-fledged boredom disaster.

(c) AP

Cop Car Stops Plane Filled With Stolen Electronics (VIDEO) – This video is exactly what the headline promises.  Only in Brazil, my friends.  Only in Brazil.

Is Your Life Shorter If Your Mom Was Stressed? – Yes, it’s true, your mother really did start to ruin everything long before you were 13 and she was monitoring your phone calls.  Don’t worry, though, the article takes great pains to remind us that this finding doesn’t really matter (Think positive!  Live your dreams!  Be your best self!  Yay womanhood!).  Despite the fact that your mother’s anxiety disorder might be killing you, researchers have also found that if you visit a counselor and deliver a self-absorbed monologue (as 95% of people with anxious parents do – statistic mine/fake) you can run your risk of death by maternal stress right down to normal and this article will have meant nothing.

Vibrators Not Intimidating To Men, Survey Finds – The first thing we learn is that this shocking headline is on a yearly rotation.  Apparently, in 2009 we did the same survey and found the same thing.  This year we did the survey again so that we could re-write the headline to sound recent and post it as front-page news.  Well done HuffPo!  There is always SOMETHING to report, right?

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One response to “Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post

  1. Pingback: Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post (11/15 edition) | Driving While Genius

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