Apparently a couple of nights ago this annual thing called the Victoria’s Secret “Fashion Show” went down. I say “Fashion Show” in quotes because everyone knows this event has absolutely nothing to do with actual fashion or the fashion industry and is just a pop media circus that gives people an excuse to oogle Brazillians in lingerie. I usually pay no attention to this event. I don’t have any problem with it on principle, because who cares, but I find both the show itself and Victoria’s Secret’s general sensibility to be pretty cheesy. Not like fun, silly cheesy, just like regular boring cheesy.
Oh, indeed, however. For when perusing NYMag.com I came across a slideshow from this year’s yet-to-be-aired underwear extravaganza. And Holy Mother of Shitballs, things got insane this year. And I don’t mean like campy and amusingly over-the-top insane, I mean like insane insane. Like someone put together this year’s “outfits” after having a PCP nightmare about what colorblind 4-yr-olds would wear to the beach on Halloween. That shit was CRAY, people. Kanye and His Holiness Jay-Hova themselves were there, and I can tell it was a little cray even by their standards, cause I can tell these things. It was the most nonsensical, conceptually schizophrenic, cheap-ass plasticky-looking fabric shit I have ever seen. And God was it ever not sexy. It wasn’t even “sexy.” And it wasn’t even “I have a neon latex superhero fetish” sexy. It was just bonkers.
But don’t take my word for it — some choice images below:
The blue barnacle fuckery they’ve bedazzled this attractive Nordic lady with kind of matches Adam Levine’s tattoos! Not sure what to say about that thing hovering over her cleavage, though.
Thus proving my PCP beachwear nightmare theory, because that thing at her hips is DEFINITELY an inner tube.
Wait. What the hell are actual fashion industry people (Alexander Wang, various Roitfelds) doing at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show? Are they too drunk to know where they are?
I’m not sure the outfit is even the craziest thing about this shot. Or… yeah. I think it is.
Ok I’ll give this one a pass. First off, Karlie Kloss’s expression is all like “Oh yeah? I’m getting paid a gazillion dollars to participate in this tomfoolery. BRING IT.” Second of all, there’s this superhero / Wonder Woman analogy happening that I dig, and that leotard thing actually seems to be sculpted properly to her body from a sturdy material. Third, I kind of REALLY dig those boots, and could envision a universe in which I would wear them, or a version of them made from material that didn’t look as though it would rip apart if I jammed my foot in the wrong way. Lastly — and this is very important — it’s been edited down. There’s enough going on to be eye-catching, but not so much that it’s an assault. To top it off, the pattern on Kanye’s sleeves kind of looks like Plato’s Atlantis gone tacky, so I’ll give him a million points for that. So yes, I decree that this one outfit falls solidly into “fun cheesy” territory and concede the T. Strauss stamp of approval. Rock it, Karlie.
Then there was this. Same basic concept but with horrible, horrible colors and construction. It is unfathomable to me how someone thought this was a good idea. And what in the flying eff is that thing on her back supposed to signify?
And oh god, this. Like, WHAT? Remember what I said above about editing? If Nicki Minaj’s outfit seems coherent by comparison, you’ve got a problem. Which is why she’s looking at you like that.
So yeah, thanks. I’m gonna keep buying my bras at The Gap for now.