Today’s News, As Told By Huffington Post (11/30 Edition)

Yup, Jail. Read on...

Straight from the internet trenches, it’s another edition of “Today’s News,” from the gold standard in mingling important stuff with irrelevant blather, Huffington Post.  (Past editions are archived here.)

Here are some front page stories you might have missed while you were reading about Herman Cain’s sexual escapades:

Are UFOs Coming For Our Gold? –  Here is the scenario: Aliens have been, according to participants at the UFO Science and Consciousness Conference (THAT IS A THING?), stealing our gold for thousands of years.

Accurate Alien Depiction

Brush up on your Glorp skills, America, and prepare to hand over your gold bricks to the little green men.  Remember, with aliens it is always better to go quietly.  If there is one thing I know from movies, they have far superior weaponry and very big brains.

BUT THERE IS MORE!  The organizers of this UFO/silly insanity conference believe the gold theft conspiracy involves people too.  DUM DUM DUUUUUUM.

“All the governments in the world are puppets and instruments to implement the will of a small group of individuals. The royal political bloodline goes back thousand of years.”

So far this guy sounds a bit like he is echoing the sentiments of some nerdy version of Occupy.  I’ll bite.  Continue please…

Tellinger insists that extraterrestrials visited out planet in search of gold about 300,000 years ago, cloned their genetic make-up and gave rise to mankind. Ever since, they’ve been in contact with world leaders.

You are losing me…

Laura Eisenhower, who describes herself as the great-granddaughter of president Dwight Eisenhower, claims world leaders have experienced close contact with aliens, signing treaties with them every decade.


By the way, I love that this woman simply “describes herself” as Eisenhower’s great-granddaughter.  Like the fact that she is saying world leaders talk to aliens discredits any other claims she may be making, even those about her provenance.

Our Future?

WATCH: Flying Robots Will Build Enormous Art Piece – This is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen.  It is supposedly a fleet of robots designed to help build art installation pieces, but what I see is tiny flying tennis racquet pieces that act like insects and have no agenda other than to make you nervous and fly too close to your face.

What if THOSE are the robots that develop free-will?  Then we’ve invented a super-species of metal insect.  Thanks a lot, guys.

WATCH: World’s Largest Model Railroad Features Figurines Having Sex – For those of you wishing to satisfy your HuffPo-generated curiosity about what a German rendition of two miniature figurines having sex looks like, this is not the video for you.  This is a video of model trains tooting and meandering into train stations.  I’m not sure where the sex comes in.

Meanwhile, this video confirms what I’ve known for a long time, which is that people with German accents sound just like robots when they speak English.  Angry robots.

Strippers Dressed As Lawyers Sneak Into Federal Prison – One important non-robot news item…

Apparently what this headline describes not just an isolated incident, but an ongoing situation.  According to the serious reporting done in this piece, this Miami maximum security prison is “overrun” and “plagued” by strippers.  In fact, it seems that bringing a fake paralegal/stripper/hooker to your client meetings had been de rigor for dealing with incarcerated Miami-types until some non-stripper-friendly/stupid meany attorneys realized they might be losing business over it.

It may shock you to find that criminals prefer lawyers who get them strippers.  It may also shock you to find that bringing a stripper with you to visit your incarcerated client isn’t really super illegal.  It’s just kind of business as usual in Miami.  To be fair, I assume you can also get a stripper at the dentist and/or grocery store there.

According to these meany lawyers/moral police (OXYMORON), “The visitor rooms have been taking over by South American pole dancers.”  THE HUMANITY!


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